A very short essay against 'as a mother'

on being able to care without kids

When men preface their response to occurrences of violence against women and girls with ‘as a father of daughters’ I feel angry for the way in which their sympathies are only enlisted once they have something to lose. It’s as though they have suddenly found themselves in the role of protector, when previously they could just stand by and do nothing. I’m further wound up by the implication that fathering girls specifically is a necessary gateway to understanding the inequalities and injustices experienced by women and girls. I bring this up because I’m noticing this kind of faulty logic used by mothers too.

‘As a mother’ they say, then they go on to describe the unique conditions of feeling and compassion available only to mothers. As though parenthood elevates one’s empathy to heights unreachable by people who don’t parent. The idea I would need a child of my own to feel an acute sorrow at children and babies being killed is incredibly insulting. I don’t need kids to feel protective of them. I don’t need kids to want to put my arms around children who suffer. I don’t need kids to be a vital person in the life of a child. I don’t need kids to have boundless emotional capacity.

If you’re reading this and you are a parent, and feel yourself wanting to say, but I was altered by parenthood, I believe you. But your individual experience does not get to limit or diminish my own humanity. That’s a failure of your imagination, not mine. And I wonder, why do you need it to be true that your perspective is so unique and special? Wouldn’t it be beneficial for your children that all people regardless of their situation, would want safety, love and care for them?